Billionaire inventor Elon Musk is known for his intense drive to change the world. He has developed technology to get humans off fossil fuels and up to the stars and is the CEO of electric car company Tesla, as well as rocket launcher SpaceX. By all accounts he is brilliant, driven, and uncompromising. His successes have earned him respect and money, but he has struggled in his romantic pursuits.
His first marriage to author Justine Wilson was rocky, with fights about money, work, and the raising of five young sons. Justine reported that Elon acted as an “alpha male,” and criticized what he perceived as her flaws. She pushed back and aired marital grievances on her blog. “I am your wife,” she told him, “not your employee.” His response was that if she were his employee, he “would have fired her.” Their marriage ended in 2008 after eight years.
            Soon after, Elon met British model and actress Talulah Riley at a London party. They had a whirlwind romance and became engaged within weeks. Their marriage was a battle of wills. Talulah described it: “I remember him saying, ‘Being with me was choosing the hard path’. . . . It’s quite hard, quite the crazy ride.’” The couple divorced in 2012, and Musk tweeted to her, saying: “It was an amazing four years. I will love you forever. You will make someone very happy one day.” He soon decided that he was the one she would make happy, and they remarried in 2013. Despite their obvious desire to be together, the problems continued and the couple divorced a second time earlier this year.
 
Signs of Deterioration
Even the brightest and most passionate marriages can get derailed. Some relationships are planted in rocky soil from the start, but others develop weeds or die from neglect. Certain problems are particularly important to root out before they do permanent damage. Here are six research-based warning signs that indicate a relationship is heading in the wrong direction.

1. Distance or Lack of Emotion
It is natural for the initial headiness of love to wear off. However, it is possible to revive emotional sparks that have gone dormant. One study showed that couples who went on interesting dates, such as rock climbing or taking Italian lessons for about eight weeks, experienced greater feelings of closeness and affection than those who stuck to traditional dinner dates. Other studies have shown that meditations focused on appreciation of a partner strengthen affection. If you have lost that loving feeling, do things together, act kind, and the love will follow.  

2. Sarcasm and Disrespect
It is fun to laugh, and humor bonds couples together and keeps things fresh. However, if jokes turn sarcastic or cutting, they will damage the relationship. All forms of contempt and cruelty harm both partners, and often lead to divorce. If he acts disgusted with her choice in clothes, or she mocks his parenting, it is time for a gut check. Both partners need to show self-control and be respectful in words and tone.

3. Lack of Trust 
Couples who are getting to know each other often stretch the truth, especially when trying to impress. They might be falsely enthusiastic (“That is so cool!”) or claim to love the same things (“That movie was my favorite also!”). One study found that strangers lied several times in the first 10 minutes of talking. Chris Rock accurately observed: “When you meet somebody for the first time you are not meeting them. You’re meeting their representative.”
As relationships progress, however, people need to be authentic to develop true intimacy. When partners are deceptive, even for “good” reasons like keeping the peace or flattering, it will create distance. Although some fudging may occur in relationships (“I am fine with your mother coming over for two weeks”), all lies damage trust, and a willingness to deceive is a red flag. When trust has been lost, it takes time and energy to regain.
​
​4. Unwillingness to Compromise
If you are a vegetarian, but your significant other always insists you go to the Texas Roadkill restaurant because they love the steak, it indicates an unwillingness to compromise. Healthy couples take turns accommodating and negotiating. Different opinions do not cause divorces, but the way these differences are handled might. If partners aren’t willing to be open and accept the other’s ideas, they are in a competition. This winner-versus-loser pattern shows up in abusive relationships, where one partner feels entitled to force their preferences on the other. In contrast, healthy relationships feature a balanced give and take.
​

5. Lack of Intimacy           
An intimate relationship is one where people share themselves emotionally, intellectually, and physically. Some individuals close themselves off when feeling negative or unsafe. This can contribute to a vicious cycle, as putting up barriers leads to further distance and resentment. The cycle can be reversed through sharing meaningful words, emotions, and touches, which generates a sense of closeness and safety.
As an illustration of this idea, one study had random participants pair up and ask each other questions about specific thoughts and feelings. After forty-five minutes of deep conversation, the couples looked into each other’s eyes for four minutes. These pairs who began as complete strangers became connected, and one couple eventually got married. Intimate partners can deepen their connections through opening up. If you are feeling like roommates, share feelings, touch, forgive, and your bond will tighten.

6. Control and Manipulation
It is normal to negotiate with and make requests of one another, but partners should not try to force the other to feel or do certain things. Trying to control one’s partner ends in abuse. In one of my studies we interviewed individuals who controlled their partners through blame, guilt trips, pressure, and threats. These actions always fanned the flames of conflict, as one woman recalled: “[He would] goad me . . . about something from my past that was real bad and . . . then he would say, ‘Hit me, hit me,’ . . . and he would get right in my face, as close as he could and then I would slap him.” Whether or not there is violence, partners who feel unsafe, degraded, or damaged should seek help and change directions.

What to do?
It is unfortunate that Elon Musk’s marriages crashed back to earth after blast-off. When that happens, it breaks hearts and destroys dreams. But the good news is relationships are always changing, and can change for the better. If you see warning signs in your relationship, make a plan with your partner and seek help through books, classes, or couples’ therapy. Unhealthy relationships can revive, and even habits of abuse and control can be broken if both partners are motivated and find assistance. By working together, couples can stop the downward slide and walk back up the path of relationship success.  

Also published on the Blog for the Institute for Family Studies: http://family-studies.org/when-to-seek-marriage-help-relationship-red-flags/

References:
​The majority of these details come from Ashlee Vance, Elon Musk: Tesla, SpaceX, and the Quest for a Fantastic Future. 2015. Ecco.
Arthur Aron, Christina C. Norman, Elaine N. Aron, Colin McKenna, and Richard E. Heyman, “Couples’ Shared Participation in Novel and Arousing Activities and Experienced Relationship Quality,” Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 78, no. 2 (2000): 273-284.
Barbara Fredrickson, Love. 2.0, (New York: Plume, 2013).
Laura E. Kurtz, and Sara B. Algoe, Putting Laughter in Context: Shared Laughter as Behavioral Indicator of Relationship Well-Being, Personal Relationships, 22, no. 4 (2015): 573–590.
John Gottman, The Marriage Clinic: A Scientifically Based Marital Therapy (New York: W. W. Norton, 1999).
Robert S. Feldman, James A. Forrest, and Benjamin R. Happ, “Self-Presentation and Verbal Deception: Do self-Presenters Lie More?” Basic and Applied Social Psychology 24, no. 2 (2002): 163-170.
Tim Cole, “Lying to the One You Love: The Use of Deception in Romantic Relationships,” Journal of Social and Personal Relationships 18, no. 1 (2001): 107-129.
John M. Gottman, The Science of Trust: Emotional Attunement for Couples (New York: WW Norton & Company, 2011).
Douglas B. Smith, Jason B. Whiting, Jeff Crane, Kaitlyn Felderhoff, Annie Stapp, “Couple Communication Patterns and Intimate Partner Violence,” Research poster presented at the AAMFT National Conference, Austin, TX, 2015, September.
Jennifer S. Mascaro, James K. Rilling, Lobsang Tenzin Negi, and Charles Raison. “Compassion Meditation Enhances Empathic Accuracy And Related Neural Activity.” Social Cognitive and Affective Neuroscience (2012): nss095.
Jason B. Whiting, Megan Oka, and Stephen T. Fife. “Appraisal Distortions and Intimate Partner Violence: Gender, Power, and Interaction.” Journal of Marital and Family Therapy 38, no. s1 (2012): 133-149.
Individuals in a coercive and unsafe relationship should first seek help through appropriate hotlines or counseling. Couples therapy is only effective in relationships free of coercive control and severe violence; otherwise it can cause further instability and abuse. For more on this issues, see Stith S. M., McCollum E. E., & Rosen K. H. (2011). Couples therapy for domestic violence: Finding safe solutions. Washington, DC: American Psychological Association. Also see Lisa Merchant and Jason Whiting, “Factors in couples’ desistance from domestic violence” (manuscript in submission).

Logan was a doctoral student studying ancient Italian poetry. His life was filled with shelves of old books and a teaching job where he was supposed to inspire lethargic freshmen. His doctoral adviser was difficult and inconsistent, and Logan was a people-pleaser who worried that his adviser and students were always upset with him. He came to see me at the request of his wife, Yuko, who was starting to panic at his change in personality. “He used to be cheerful, fun-loving, and interested in his work,” she said. “Now he is a zombie. He goes through the motions and doesn’t talk to me, or anyone. He comes home and goes to bed and then shuffles off in the morning. Even when he is in front of the computer or with a book he isn’t engaged with it. He hasn’t paid any attention to me in ages.”  

When we first met, Logan was hunched in his chair like he was trying to disappear. His voice was small and weak, and he listed so many things that were overwhelming him, I couldn’t keep track of them. Life was squeezing him, and he was making whimpering noises. 

The Look of Depression
Logan was seriously depressed. Changes in sleeping and eating? Check. Loss of interest in activities he used to like? Check. Feelings of guilt? Nonstop. And so on. He spoke in self-defeating terms: “I am dumb, why did I think I could do this? I am a disappointment to Yuko.” And he described intense emotional pain and suicidal thoughts: "I will never finish and my family will be better off without me." Clearly his pain was killing both him and his marriage.
​

​Depression and Relationships 

​Depression takes the relationship down with the victim. Many studies show how this happens. For starters, depressed people often exude waves of negativity, which is hard for a partner to deal with. They also make more bad choices when depressed, like driving drunk or saying mean things. Non-depressed partners often worry or feel guilty for what is happening. One study found when a person looks at their depressed partner’s face, it causes a depressed reaction in their own brain. It is stressful to see another in pain, and this feeds a vicious cycle. When Yuko would become upset, it would trigger Logan’s distorted perceptions. He saw her emotion as hostile, even when it wasn’t. He assumed she became upset because she hated him, when the reality was that she was worrying. 

The cycle continues as the depressed partner is consumed by their pain and can’t feel affection or attend to the other person. When someone is distressed, they lose touch with their intuition and can’t understand others’ expressions or body language. The pain takes all the focus. There is a proverb that says a man with a toothache cannot be in love, and it is the same with emotional hurt. A throbbing ache in the soul leaves little for anything else. 

Logan demonstrated many altered, depressed perceptions. He “knew” his students thought he was a horrible teacher, when the reality was that most were tired and not into poetry. His melancholy mood amplified his self-criticism, and his words became irrational and harsh. 

Fortunately, therapy, better self-care and open communication with Yuko helped Logan rebound. After his depression lifted, he saw things more clearly, was less inclined to extreme negativity, and his hope returned that he could succeed in his studies and his relationship. If you or someone you love is struggling, reach out for help. A relationship can be a healing force, and partners can work to find resources and feel better together. 

​Adapted from the upcoming book, Love Me True: Overcoming the Surprising Ways we Deceive in Relationships.  
Cedar Fort Publishing, 2016

References
Steven R. H. Beach, and Evelyn E. Sandeen, Depression in Marriage: A Model for Etiology and Treatment: Treatment Manuals for Practitioners (New York: Guilford Press, 1990).
Megan Oka, Jason B. Whiting, and Alan Reifman, "Observational Research of Negative Communication and Self-Reported Relationship Satisfaction," The American Journal of Family Therapy 43, no. 4 (2015): 378-391.
Rachel Pruchno, Maureen Wilson-Genderson, and Francine P. Cartwright, "Depressive Symptoms and Marital Satisfaction in the Context of Chronic Disease: A Longitudinal Dyadic Analysis." Journal of Family Psychology 23, no. 4 (2009): 573-584.
Bianca P. Acevedo, Arthur Aron, Helen E. Fisher, and Lucy L. Brown, "Neural Correlates of Marital Satisfaction and Well-Being: Reward, Empathy, and Affect." Clinical Neuropsychiatry 9, no. 1 (2012): 20-31.
Joseph P. Forgas, and Rebekah East, “On Being Happy and Gullible: Mood Effects on Skepticism and the Detection of Deception,” Journal of Experimental Social Psychology 44 (2008): 1362-67. 

​I was sitting in church one day as a newly-married man and noticed a nice-looking woman on the piano bench up front. She was staring my direction and caught my eye. She had an intense look that startled me. She gave a coy smile. I was surprised and alert – but I didn’t recognize her and was getting uncomfortable. I glanced at my wife beside me, who didn’t notice what was going down. I looked back at the woman and she laughed, and then winked. I felt extremely awkward and started to sweat. I glanced around again to see if anyone was watching this steamy exchange, and then realized her husband was right behind me gazing and waving back at her.

The face is a beacon and transmitter. There are about forty-six facial muscles whose sole purpose seems to be communication of feelings.[i] These muscles make an infinite variety of expressions, and are implements in the mating game. Sexual attraction is broadcast by facial expressions, including flashing eyes and smiles.[ii] Those with gorgeous faces have a significant advantage in this arena, and a good looking person will always have others willing to jump into a relationship with them. A John or a Jane might be a jerk or have a room temperature IQ, but if they are beautiful, then breathless suitors will follow them around like dogs.

Humans are astonishingly good at recognizing and remembering faces -- even those we haven’t seen for years. We can differentiate faces based on tiny variations in symmetry or arrangement of features, and we generally agree on which configurations are desirable, even though the differences between lovely and homely are minuscule. We easily distinguish between a cold stare, a blank stare, a come-hither stare, an in-love stare, and an about-to-attack stare. When our eyes fasten upon one of these in another, our body reacts instantaneously. Strong emotion in others triggers tiny responses in our facial muscles. If you watch someone pulling out a splinter, you cringe, and if you see someone beam with joy, your expression unconsciously follows, as you mirror the other’s face.[iii]

There is a specific part of the brain that recognizes and interprets emotional expressions. Fearful and angry expressions get the most response, but any face gets this section of the brain going.[iv] One study found that people looking at faces scan from the eyes to the nose, to the mouth. However, women make about twice the number of these scans, which may be why women are better at recalling details of faces.[v]

It is important for partners to be in tune with each other’s expressions and respond sensitively. However, it is possible to misread emotion, especially when blinded by feelings. For instance, if you are irritated you will more likely interpret your partner’s face as upset, even if it isn’t. However, a soothing look can also calm a partner down, or create a feeling of connection.[vi]

Pay attention to the power of the face in your relationship. Smile, wink, or send a happy look. Share a knowing glance when you can tell what the other is thinking. Look at each other without talking, and your connection will deepen. Just like the woman who was bonding with her husband while I got in the way, you can feel closer without saying a word.  

​
[i] Jerry Adler, “Smile, Frown, Grimace and Grin — Your Facial Expression Is the Next Frontier in Big Data,” In Technology: Rana El Kaliouby, Smithsonian Magazine, December 2015. http://www.smithsonianmag.com/innovation/rana-el-kaliouby-ingenuity-awards-technology-180957204/
[ii] Kate Fox, “The Flirting Report,” Social Issues Research Centre, 2004. ; Ty Tashiro. The Science of Happily Ever After: What Really Matters in the Quest for Enduring Love. 2014. Harlequin Nonfiction. 
[iii] Ulf Dimberg, and Monika Thunberg, "Rapid Facial Reactions to Emotional Facial Expressions," Scandinavian Journal of Psychology 39, no. 1 (1998): 39-45.
[iv] Jan Theeuwes and Stefan Van der Stigchel, “Faces Capture Attention,” Visual Cognition, 13, no. 6 (2006): 657–665.
[v] Jennifer J. Heisz, Molly M. Pottruff, and David I. Shore, "Females Scan More Than Males a Potential Mechanism for Sex Differences In Recognition Memory," Psychological Science 24, no. 7 (2013): 1157-1163.
[vi] Robert Epstein, “How Science Can Help You Fall In Love” in Love Sex and Science, ed. Scientific American.


Adapted from upcoming book: Love Me True: Overcoming the Surprising Ways we Deceive in Relationships.
​Cedar Fort, 2016. 

Tyler left the office early feeling nauseated. He hit the bed, and a couple hours later his wife Bethany walked in, surprised to find him there. “What are you doing?” she blurted. Tyler grimaced. “I’m sick. Is that ok?”

“I didn’t expect to see you,” Bethany said, annoyed. “Why were you trying to hide under the covers?” 

“I wasn’t hiding,” he responded, “I was trying to get comfortable.”

“I was just asking,” she said, “You don’t have to get upset.” Tyler rolled toward the wall. Bethany continued: “I just want to know what is going on, and I don’t like it when you won’t tell me.”

“I am not up for one of our talks.”

“I am not needing a talk,” Bethany said, “You are ignoring me when I am just asking a simple question!”

Tyler grunted.

“Besides, I thought you were going to pick up dinner.”

“I am sick and don’t want dinner!” Tyler growled. “I am not hungry. Do whatever you want.”

“You don’t have to get so mad!” Bethany said, “I am just trying to help, and you are being rude!” 

Tyler pulled the pillow over his head, and Bethany stomped out, and both spent the evening sulking and frustrated.

When I talked with Bethany and Tyler about this, it became evident there was no actual disagreement at any point of this spat. It literally was, as Bethany realized, “A fight about nothing.”

How did they get pulled into a useless argument? As we broke it down, a few reasons jumped out. First, They were falling into a typical but unhealthy pattern, sometimes called demand-withdraw. It happens when one pushes to talk about an issue, which feels like a demand to the other, who is likely to withdraw. This pattern can escalate because the partner who wants to talk gets frustrated as the other clams up or turns away. The talker presses harder, which puts more pressure on the withdrawer to retreat. The problem now is the escalation of bad feelings, not the issue that ignited them.

When demand-withdraw fires up, it can lead to anger, defensiveness, and even abuse.[i] Marital researcher John Gottman has suggested this pattern is common because of typical gender differences, where women are more likely to focus on relational issues and address them, and men are more easily flooded with emotion which can lead to shutting down.[ii] Researcher Sue Johnson suggests that demand-withdraw occurs because of natural attachment needs, where the pursuing partner seeks connection and resolution, and the withdrawer avoids discomfort.[iii]

There is another factor that traps couples in this deteriorating exchange. My research has focused on how escalation distorts perceptions. For instance, when you get frustrated, it is broadcast in your voice and face, which makes your partner tense up and react. As negative emotion begins to flow, it becomes more influential than the words, and acts as a blinder, coloring things in a sinister light.[iv] Each feels justified in their behavior, but sees the other’s actions as senseless and cruel.[v] Tyler pointed this out: “We kept making assumptions about what the other was thinking. I felt like she was being ridiculously pushy, like a dog on a bone. I just wanted to rest.” Bethany’s version, was of course, different. “I was just surprised and wondering what was going on. I felt like he was being touchy and defensive.”

They realized they had been upset over nothing, but their bad feelings were still real. How could they avoid getting caught in this vortex the next time someone got upset? We made a three-point plan:

First: Become Aware of Distorted Thinking.
Each person needs to realize and take responsibility for their exaggerated views. This is tricky because people are naturally blind to their blindness. For example, in our session Tyler at first tried to justify his reactions by claiming Bethany always set the tone in the relationship, and he just reacted to her. However, I asked him if it were possible that his “reaction” also contained a sharp tone, or maybe he heard something that wasn’t intended because he was feeling lousy. He agreed that this was possible, and realized that it wasn’t fair to always claim that Bethany “started it.” Both identified their own extreme thoughts and words. Bethany admitted that one of her thoughts was that Tyler was “being a baby,” which influenced her annoyed tone. Tyler realized that his tone was sharper than intended, and they each discussed how in their tired state, they were too sensitive.

​Second: Change the Cycle. 
The partner who is prone to demanding needs to soften his or her approach, and the withdrawer needs to stay connected and not shut down. Bethany realized that her style might come across aggressively at times, so she practiced asking questions or bringing up concerns in a gentle and constructive way. Tyler practiced listening nondefensively when an issue was brought up. He tried to hear to understand rather than retort, and he requested a break if he wasn’t up for a discussion. He tried not to make negative assumptions about Bethany’s intentions. 
​
Third: Take A Time Out. 
Both learned to stop and separate when their conversations began to escalate and their thoughts became accusing and defensive. They did this with the commitment of getting back together later (important to Bethany) with a short and focused conversation (important to Tyler). 
​
With practice, Bethany and Tyler got better at catching themselves when emotions revved up and thoughts became distorted. This kept them out of the useless escalations that had been costing them energy and closeness. “Now when we get frustrated, we at least have a good reason for it!” Tyler joked. They got annoyed less often, and handled it better by changing their thinking and giving each other space. The next time Tyler felt sick, he put a post-it on his door, requesting, “No fights about nothing.”  

In a marriage seminar I conducted, a wife mentioned her husband’s frustrating habit of rationalizing when he apologized. She called this his “sorry, but” tendency, because he would admit he was wrong, but then give reasons why he did it. He would say, “Sorry, but I was stressed because of the kid’s screaming.” Or, “Sorry, but you really shouldn’t be that upset.”
     
We all agreed that it must be difficult to deal with his sorry butt, because when someone apologizes in a way that deflects responsibility, it is not effective. Have you ever had someone say: “I am sorry you feel that way” or “Sorry, but you deserved it”? It doesn’t exactly feel great. Sincere apologies and taking responsibility for mistakes bring couples together, but excuses push them apart.  

In one of my studies I examined rationalization. I brought in couples and separated them to keep them from reacting to each other during the interviews, then presented short vignettes of a fighting and deceiving relationship. I invited each person to reflect on how these stories applied to his or her (but not their partner’s) behavior. Nearly everyone was able admit rationalizing their own poor behavior. One guy recalled yelling at his girlfriend, and said: “I’ll try to make up excuses…I’ll say, ‘Well I had to do that because you were talking to me that way.’” He said that he excused his yelling to: “try to hype myself up, make myself look better.”

Another man would leave when his girlfriend tried to discuss concerns. This made her irate, but his justification was that he no longer “hit her.” He said “there’s no way else to release my anger so…I’ll go talk to some woman or go out to some bar.” Since he had stopped being violent, he could claim that any other behavior was an improvement.

Rationalization is so common, we often don’t notice it. We are especially blind to our own rationalization, because it feels better to believe excuses than admit we cause problems. There are plenty of reasons to rationalize, and it is easy to do. Maybe you didn’t follow through on a commitment, so instead pointed out what you did do: “I didn’t get to the dishes, but I worked hard to mow the lawn.” Some claim their behavior could have been worse: “I don’t babysit our daughter, but I am better than my dad, who never even changed diapers or cooked.” Others rationalize bad relationship decisions. “I know I shouldn’t get serious with him, but I am really lonely right now, and it probably won’t go anywhere.”

Regardless of how good an excuse seems, it will usually aggravate problems rather than resolve them. Consider how rationalization is used in your own relationship. When is it most likely? What effect does it have on you and the interaction with your partner? 
 
 Adapted from the upcoming book, Love Me True: Overcoming the Surprising Ways we Deceive in Relationships.
Cedar Fort Publishing, 2016

Reference
Jason B. Whiting, "The Role of Appraisal Distortion, Contempt, and Morality In Couple Conflict: A Grounded Theory," Journal of Marital and Family Therapy 34, no. 1 (2008): 44-57.

The Dilemma of Honesty versus Kindness

​​The healthiest relationships have a high degree of trust.  However, it is surprisingly easy to be deceptive in an intimate relationship. Research has shown that about 10% of interactions between intimates contain deceptive elements, like exaggerations, excuses, or other lies.  Not surprisingly, these have a distancing effect. But are all deceptions damaging? Isn’t it kind to protect each other from painful truths? It may depend on the motive. 

Dan Ariely is a professor of behavioral economics at MIT who studies dishonesty, but his time in hospitals after a burn recovery led him to wonder if certain white lies could be protective. He suggests that, “This will sting a bit” may be better than, “Brace yourself, because you are going to feel horrendous pain.”  If the pretense is from a desire to help, it is different than if it is a selfish dodge. Also, some half-truths occur because words have many meanings. When a spouse says, “How are you?” They likely mean: “I am acknowledging you with a generic greeting we both understand.” Clearly, most of us get these unspoken relationship rules. Exact truth may not particularly matter if the intent is harmless. And it may not always be a great idea to share everything you think, like when my client who told his wife a lifeguard was looking good, for which he was immediately busted. So, what happens when you feel like you should tell the truth, but wonder if it is going to be harmful?

This is a dilemma for many, and most of us just go forward with what seems reasonable at the time. We recognize that some truths to our spouse need finessing. “You have a button undone” is acceptable. “I hate the framed photo of your parents you got me for my birthday,” maybe not so much. In some situations, the truth is awkward. Here are some examples of questions that may be asked in various kinds of intimate relationships, followed by two possible answers. Both responses are honest, but one is kinder. 

Question: “Do you think that woman is beautiful?” 
Less Effective: “Ohhhhhhh, yeahhhh.” 
Better: “She is nice looking, what do you think?” 

Question: “Why are you so paranoid about me going out with friends?” 
Less Effective: “Because your friends are idiots and you have no self-control and might do something stupid.”  

Better: “I am having a hard time with the amount of your drinking. I know there are many lonely people out there and you are attractive, and I worry that you will be tempted to do things you wouldn’t normally.” 

Question: “How do you feel about getting married?” 
Less Effective: “It may be great for other people.”
Better: “I am afraid of that level of commitment, even though I am excited about where our relationship is going.”

Question: “Were you mad when I wasn’t in the mood last night?”
Less Effective: “Yes, and I thought you were a selfish brat.” 
Better: “I was frustrated, which is why I pouted for a while.” 

And the classic: “Do these lime-green spandex shorts make my butt look big?” 
Less Effective: “No. Your butt makes your butt look big.”
Better: “I think that your jeans look better.” 

There are many ways to be honest and still be kind, even if that means to honestly defer a question or take time to think about it. This happens when you are put on the spot with a question like, “Do you love me?” A glib or fake answer in this instance isn’t good. If the issue is an important one, it is better to be frank. If you are faking or evading, then you need to ask yourself why, and probably discuss it with your partner. 

The takeaway on deception is that it is best to be honest, but there may be times when an omission is irrelevant. For instance, you might not need to tell your lover that they smell funny when you are cuddling, and it may not be necessary to address every concern that arises. But consider carefully what is happening when you find yourself ducking the truth. What is the underlying intent of what you are saying, and what is the effect of it? Are you trying to avoid something that should be dealt with? To punish? Can you be honest and still be kind? Are you protecting your spouse, or yourself? 

Adapted from the upcoming book, Love Me True: Overcoming the Surprising Ways we Deceive in Relationships.
Cedar Fort Publishing, 2016

References
John M. Gottman, The Science of Trust: Emotional Attunement for Couples (New York: WW Norton & Company, 2011).
Bella M. DePaulo, and Deborah A. Kashy, "Everyday Lies in Close and Casual Relationships," Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 74, no. 1 (1998): 63.
Dan Ariely, The (Honest) Truth About Dishonesty: How We Lie to Everyone--Especially Ourselves. Harper Perennial, 2012. 

The Surprising Research About Deception in Relationships

Mel was a foreman for a big box store, where he oversaw shipping and unloading. He was a husky blonde who was addicted to Juicy Fruit gum. He told me in therapy that he had a “little gaming issue.” He didn’t want his wife to know, because he felt like she wouldn’t understand or would give him grief. Our conversation began with me asking him what, exactly, he was referring to. He explained:

“I sometimes play online poker or other online gambling.”
“For money?”
“Yes, but I often win, and I think I will make it all back soon.”
“How much are you in the hole?”
“About $130,000.”
[Pause] “Say again?”
“But I am paying it down. Do you think I should tell my wife?”
 
Avoiding Conflict or Protecting Feelings
 Mel’s claim that he didn’t want to upset his wife is one of the most common reasons for lying.[i] He said he didn’t think his wife “would understand,” or that she would be angry “over nothing,” but these were excuses. It was easy for Mel to claim he was protecting his wife by keeping her in the dark, but do you think she would want to know about his house-sized debt? I bet she would. The reason he didn’t tell her was because he didn’t want to stop gambling, and he didn’t want the fight that was going to erupt when his wife found out. Most people don’t like conflict, and it is easier to sweep things under the rug than confront some hard truths.[ii] 
 
Lying for Love
Humans also lie because they love. Our raging desire to find a mate leads to schmoozing, preening, and pretending. In one study that examined lying between strangers, the highest rates of deception were from those who were instructed to try and “be likable.”[iii] Imagine a situation where Jack and Jeanie are starting to date and are feeling the love. He may not be as excited to see Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants as she is, but will happily go to appear sensitive. She doesn’t really care about his carburetor collection but will nod and listen to his stories about them, saying nonsense like, “Wow, that is really cool!” They will each watch for signs that their efforts are paying off, and they adjust their words and bodies accordingly in order to woo the other. Like Jerry Seinfeld said about his twenty years of dating, “That’s a lot of acting fascinated.”
 
The irony of course, is the foundation of a relationship is trust. If you impress a future mate with bogus tales of adventure or fake interests, it won’t bring closeness. The bigger the deception, the more likely it is to backfire. It is one thing to discover that your flirty friend isn’t into a TV show that he claimed, and it is another to find out he is married and didn’t mention it.
 
Although most agree lying is bad in principle, in practice, people are morally flexible about their deceit. People say they want honesty from their spouse but admit in some situations, their own lies are acceptable.[iv] This leaves a door open for interpretation, depending on the situation. What one decides not to share (“Surely he wouldn’t want to know that I bought three dresses”) might be considered important by the other (“Hey, why didn’t you tell me you spent $350?”). When things are hazy or complicated, people often shape events in a way that favors them.
 
On one survey, only 6% of people said it is better to lie if it prevents conflict, but when asked if there was ever a time that honesty was not the best option, about two-thirds could think of times they wouldn’t be honest.[v] In other words, people are saying something like: “It is not okay to lie to me, even to avoid conflict. But sometimes I need to fudge things just to keep the peace.” Huh? We clearly struggle with this double standard. Should we be strictly honest about everything we think and feel? Watch for other posts that discuss other reasons couples lie, and some of the consequences of deception. We will discuss what honesty really means in a relationship.
 
 
Adapted from the upcoming book, Love Me True: Overcoming the Surprising Ways we Deceive in Relationships.
Cedar Fort Publishing, 2016

[i] Tim Cole, "Lying to the One You Love: The Use of Deception in Romantic Relationships," Journal of Social and Personal Relationships 18, no. 1 (2001): 107-129.
[ii]Bella M. DePaulo, Deborah A. Kashy, Susan E. Kirkendol, Melissa M. Wyer, and Jennifer A. Epstein, "Lying in Everyday Life," Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 70, no. 5 (1996): 979.
[iii] Robert S. Feldman, James A. Forrest, and Benjamin R. Happ, "Self-Presentation and Verbal Deception: Do Self-Presenters Lie More?" Basic and Applied Social Psychology 24, no. 2 (2002): 163-170.
[iv] Katlyn Elise Roggensack, and Alan Sillars, "Agreement and understanding about honesty and deception rules in romantic relationships," Journal of Social and Personal Relationships 31, no. 2 (2014): 178-199.
[v] Susan D. Boon, and Beverly A. McLeod, "Deception in romantic relationships: Subjective estimates of success at deceiving and attitudes toward deception," Journal of Social and Personal Relationships 18, no. 4 (2001): 463-476.