In a marriage seminar I conducted, a wife mentioned her husband’s frustrating habit of rationalizing when he apologized. She called this his “sorry, but” tendency, because he would admit he was wrong, but then give reasons why he did it. He would say, “Sorry, but I was stressed because of the kid’s screaming.” Or, “Sorry, but you really shouldn’t be that upset.”
     
We all agreed that it must be difficult to deal with his sorry butt, because when someone apologizes in a way that deflects responsibility, it is not effective. Have you ever had someone say: “I am sorry you feel that way” or “Sorry, but you deserved it”? It doesn’t exactly feel great. Sincere apologies and taking responsibility for mistakes bring couples together, but excuses push them apart.  

In one of my studies I examined rationalization. I brought in couples and separated them to keep them from reacting to each other during the interviews, then presented short vignettes of a fighting and deceiving relationship. I invited each person to reflect on how these stories applied to his or her (but not their partner’s) behavior. Nearly everyone was able admit rationalizing their own poor behavior. One guy recalled yelling at his girlfriend, and said: “I’ll try to make up excuses…I’ll say, ‘Well I had to do that because you were talking to me that way.’” He said that he excused his yelling to: “try to hype myself up, make myself look better.”

Another man would leave when his girlfriend tried to discuss concerns. This made her irate, but his justification was that he no longer “hit her.” He said “there’s no way else to release my anger so…I’ll go talk to some woman or go out to some bar.” Since he had stopped being violent, he could claim that any other behavior was an improvement.

Rationalization is so common, we often don’t notice it. We are especially blind to our own rationalization, because it feels better to believe excuses than admit we cause problems. There are plenty of reasons to rationalize, and it is easy to do. Maybe you didn’t follow through on a commitment, so instead pointed out what you did do: “I didn’t get to the dishes, but I worked hard to mow the lawn.” Some claim their behavior could have been worse: “I don’t babysit our daughter, but I am better than my dad, who never even changed diapers or cooked.” Others rationalize bad relationship decisions. “I know I shouldn’t get serious with him, but I am really lonely right now, and it probably won’t go anywhere.”

Regardless of how good an excuse seems, it will usually aggravate problems rather than resolve them. Consider how rationalization is used in your own relationship. When is it most likely? What effect does it have on you and the interaction with your partner? 
 
 Adapted from the upcoming book, Love Me True: Overcoming the Surprising Ways we Deceive in Relationships.
Cedar Fort Publishing, 2016

Reference
Jason B. Whiting, "The Role of Appraisal Distortion, Contempt, and Morality In Couple Conflict: A Grounded Theory," Journal of Marital and Family Therapy 34, no. 1 (2008): 44-57.

The Dilemma of Honesty versus Kindness

​​The healthiest relationships have a high degree of trust.  However, it is surprisingly easy to be deceptive in an intimate relationship. Research has shown that about 10% of interactions between intimates contain deceptive elements, like exaggerations, excuses, or other lies.  Not surprisingly, these have a distancing effect. But are all deceptions damaging? Isn’t it kind to protect each other from painful truths? It may depend on the motive. 

Dan Ariely is a professor of behavioral economics at MIT who studies dishonesty, but his time in hospitals after a burn recovery led him to wonder if certain white lies could be protective. He suggests that, “This will sting a bit” may be better than, “Brace yourself, because you are going to feel horrendous pain.”  If the pretense is from a desire to help, it is different than if it is a selfish dodge. Also, some half-truths occur because words have many meanings. When a spouse says, “How are you?” They likely mean: “I am acknowledging you with a generic greeting we both understand.” Clearly, most of us get these unspoken relationship rules. Exact truth may not particularly matter if the intent is harmless. And it may not always be a great idea to share everything you think, like when my client who told his wife a lifeguard was looking good, for which he was immediately busted. So, what happens when you feel like you should tell the truth, but wonder if it is going to be harmful?

This is a dilemma for many, and most of us just go forward with what seems reasonable at the time. We recognize that some truths to our spouse need finessing. “You have a button undone” is acceptable. “I hate the framed photo of your parents you got me for my birthday,” maybe not so much. In some situations, the truth is awkward. Here are some examples of questions that may be asked in various kinds of intimate relationships, followed by two possible answers. Both responses are honest, but one is kinder. 

Question: “Do you think that woman is beautiful?” 
Less Effective: “Ohhhhhhh, yeahhhh.” 
Better: “She is nice looking, what do you think?” 

Question: “Why are you so paranoid about me going out with friends?” 
Less Effective: “Because your friends are idiots and you have no self-control and might do something stupid.”  

Better: “I am having a hard time with the amount of your drinking. I know there are many lonely people out there and you are attractive, and I worry that you will be tempted to do things you wouldn’t normally.” 

Question: “How do you feel about getting married?” 
Less Effective: “It may be great for other people.”
Better: “I am afraid of that level of commitment, even though I am excited about where our relationship is going.”

Question: “Were you mad when I wasn’t in the mood last night?”
Less Effective: “Yes, and I thought you were a selfish brat.” 
Better: “I was frustrated, which is why I pouted for a while.” 

And the classic: “Do these lime-green spandex shorts make my butt look big?” 
Less Effective: “No. Your butt makes your butt look big.”
Better: “I think that your jeans look better.” 

There are many ways to be honest and still be kind, even if that means to honestly defer a question or take time to think about it. This happens when you are put on the spot with a question like, “Do you love me?” A glib or fake answer in this instance isn’t good. If the issue is an important one, it is better to be frank. If you are faking or evading, then you need to ask yourself why, and probably discuss it with your partner. 

The takeaway on deception is that it is best to be honest, but there may be times when an omission is irrelevant. For instance, you might not need to tell your lover that they smell funny when you are cuddling, and it may not be necessary to address every concern that arises. But consider carefully what is happening when you find yourself ducking the truth. What is the underlying intent of what you are saying, and what is the effect of it? Are you trying to avoid something that should be dealt with? To punish? Can you be honest and still be kind? Are you protecting your spouse, or yourself? 

Adapted from the upcoming book, Love Me True: Overcoming the Surprising Ways we Deceive in Relationships.
Cedar Fort Publishing, 2016

References
John M. Gottman, The Science of Trust: Emotional Attunement for Couples (New York: WW Norton & Company, 2011).
Bella M. DePaulo, and Deborah A. Kashy, "Everyday Lies in Close and Casual Relationships," Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 74, no. 1 (1998): 63.
Dan Ariely, The (Honest) Truth About Dishonesty: How We Lie to Everyone--Especially Ourselves. Harper Perennial, 2012. 

The Surprising Research About Deception in Relationships

Mel was a foreman for a big box store, where he oversaw shipping and unloading. He was a husky blonde who was addicted to Juicy Fruit gum. He told me in therapy that he had a “little gaming issue.” He didn’t want his wife to know, because he felt like she wouldn’t understand or would give him grief. Our conversation began with me asking him what, exactly, he was referring to. He explained:

“I sometimes play online poker or other online gambling.”
“For money?”
“Yes, but I often win, and I think I will make it all back soon.”
“How much are you in the hole?”
“About $130,000.”
[Pause] “Say again?”
“But I am paying it down. Do you think I should tell my wife?”
 
Avoiding Conflict or Protecting Feelings
 Mel’s claim that he didn’t want to upset his wife is one of the most common reasons for lying.[i] He said he didn’t think his wife “would understand,” or that she would be angry “over nothing,” but these were excuses. It was easy for Mel to claim he was protecting his wife by keeping her in the dark, but do you think she would want to know about his house-sized debt? I bet she would. The reason he didn’t tell her was because he didn’t want to stop gambling, and he didn’t want the fight that was going to erupt when his wife found out. Most people don’t like conflict, and it is easier to sweep things under the rug than confront some hard truths.[ii] 
 
Lying for Love
Humans also lie because they love. Our raging desire to find a mate leads to schmoozing, preening, and pretending. In one study that examined lying between strangers, the highest rates of deception were from those who were instructed to try and “be likable.”[iii] Imagine a situation where Jack and Jeanie are starting to date and are feeling the love. He may not be as excited to see Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants as she is, but will happily go to appear sensitive. She doesn’t really care about his carburetor collection but will nod and listen to his stories about them, saying nonsense like, “Wow, that is really cool!” They will each watch for signs that their efforts are paying off, and they adjust their words and bodies accordingly in order to woo the other. Like Jerry Seinfeld said about his twenty years of dating, “That’s a lot of acting fascinated.”
 
The irony of course, is the foundation of a relationship is trust. If you impress a future mate with bogus tales of adventure or fake interests, it won’t bring closeness. The bigger the deception, the more likely it is to backfire. It is one thing to discover that your flirty friend isn’t into a TV show that he claimed, and it is another to find out he is married and didn’t mention it.
 
Although most agree lying is bad in principle, in practice, people are morally flexible about their deceit. People say they want honesty from their spouse but admit in some situations, their own lies are acceptable.[iv] This leaves a door open for interpretation, depending on the situation. What one decides not to share (“Surely he wouldn’t want to know that I bought three dresses”) might be considered important by the other (“Hey, why didn’t you tell me you spent $350?”). When things are hazy or complicated, people often shape events in a way that favors them.
 
On one survey, only 6% of people said it is better to lie if it prevents conflict, but when asked if there was ever a time that honesty was not the best option, about two-thirds could think of times they wouldn’t be honest.[v] In other words, people are saying something like: “It is not okay to lie to me, even to avoid conflict. But sometimes I need to fudge things just to keep the peace.” Huh? We clearly struggle with this double standard. Should we be strictly honest about everything we think and feel? Watch for other posts that discuss other reasons couples lie, and some of the consequences of deception. We will discuss what honesty really means in a relationship.
 
 
Adapted from the upcoming book, Love Me True: Overcoming the Surprising Ways we Deceive in Relationships.
Cedar Fort Publishing, 2016

[i] Tim Cole, "Lying to the One You Love: The Use of Deception in Romantic Relationships," Journal of Social and Personal Relationships 18, no. 1 (2001): 107-129.
[ii]Bella M. DePaulo, Deborah A. Kashy, Susan E. Kirkendol, Melissa M. Wyer, and Jennifer A. Epstein, "Lying in Everyday Life," Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 70, no. 5 (1996): 979.
[iii] Robert S. Feldman, James A. Forrest, and Benjamin R. Happ, "Self-Presentation and Verbal Deception: Do Self-Presenters Lie More?" Basic and Applied Social Psychology 24, no. 2 (2002): 163-170.
[iv] Katlyn Elise Roggensack, and Alan Sillars, "Agreement and understanding about honesty and deception rules in romantic relationships," Journal of Social and Personal Relationships 31, no. 2 (2014): 178-199.
[v] Susan D. Boon, and Beverly A. McLeod, "Deception in romantic relationships: Subjective estimates of success at deceiving and attitudes toward deception," Journal of Social and Personal Relationships 18, no. 4 (2001): 463-476.